he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Randomize
