The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
honey bunches of taint.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
