I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
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