I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Randomize
