The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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