pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Floor bacon is actually really good
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
