My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
