woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
