I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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