Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
