Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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