i just made my gag reflex go away.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
She told me I should be a condom model.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize