You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
