help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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