There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
