why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
