i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
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