Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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