this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize