Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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