highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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