If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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