fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
