Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
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