the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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