My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
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