we're chasing vodka with high fives
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Randomize
