Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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