everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
