the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
