We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
