Have you finally orgasmed yet?
does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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