Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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