after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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