I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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