we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Randomize
