but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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