??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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