dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
