you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
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