if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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