I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
