i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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