The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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