holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
