Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
