Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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