im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
Randomize
