just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
