I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Randomize
