I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
