yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
