I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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