she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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