Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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