last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Randomize
