he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
