I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
