if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
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