well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
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