I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
